As you may have noticed, I haven't updated this blog in sometime. And the last post was about my trip to Russia, not about my journey. Well, I guess you can say this isn't a "real update" because I'm basically here to say that there is so much going on, I don't know where to start. I hope to have a real update with the details soon.
For now, here's the deal- I'm having a hard time. A really hard time. Here's how I explained it to my therapist:
Back in March I was on the ground looking up at a mountain that we'll call "Mount Happy." I wanted to get to the top of Mount Happy because at the top happiness comes naturally. Yeah, there's rocks and sharp edges. You may trip and fall, but since you are so close to the top, it's way easier to get back to the top, back to being happy, than it is when you're all the way on the ground. I made a decision some time in March that I was going to climb to the top of Mount Happy. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I felt confident that I had a good support system. Things started out well. I put my faith in God that He was there helping me and I had friends around for support. They helped me take each step, big or small, up the mountain.
However, as life tends to do, things came along that added weight to my pack and it was harder to take those steps. At the same time I felt that my support system was pulling back. Whether intentional or not (and I don't feel like I really pushed them away, but it's a possibility) they felt distant. God was right there, and lets face it, He's the only one I needed to get to the top of Mount Happy, but since I struggle with putting my faith in Him completely (trust issues will do that) I didn't count on Him to get me there (bad move).
I started having a really hard time getting up the mountain and so I started to call out. I didn't know if anyone could hear me, but I called anyway. Maybe I wasn't loud enough or maybe I wasn't paying attention, but I didn't feel like I had that support, to be honest. I called out to God, but those darn trust issues, I didn't really listen for His response. I didn't trust as I should have. And so instead of moving up the mountain, I stood in the same place for awhile. It became difficult to stand in the same place, let alone try to move up the mountain. But then I felt my foot slip a little, I felt myself fall a little. I was scared that I was falling down that mountain and I wasn't sure what to do. At the same time, I knew the ground. It wasn't great, but I had become somewhat comfortable there because I knew it well. So after some time trying to at the very least stay in the same place, I gradually let myself slide. I did dig my heels in a bit to slow things down, but in my head I knew that the ground was familiar and to some degree that was comforting.
I think I'm back on the ground right now. There's a valley behind me, things could get worse, but man the top of Mount Happy looks SO far away! I feel a pulling to walk down the path to the valley. I know I won't like it, but the path to the valley seems so easy compared to climbing a mountain (I know it's not, really, but it seems that way). Another part wants to stay put, just stay at ground level- don't go up, don't go down. Not the best idea either. I know that I need to start my way back up the mountain. And I know that even if the only one I truly feel is with me is God, that He is MORE THAN ENOUGH! (I know that, now I have to trust that!)
A new friend of mine made a point that we can't just wait for God to change things. We need to PURSUE HIM and seek out His will. I need to figure out what he wants for me, but I can't do that by standing still. I'm so glad I signed up for the Russia trip when I was in my "I'm going to be happy" phase of this journey. I think if I didn't have that and if I hadn't met those people who have reminded me of some important things, I would definitely be walking down that path to the valley.
Another good friend of mine said something as well... if you really want something truly good, you're going to have to go through something worse than you ever thought you'd go through in order to get there. It won't mean as much if you don't.
Plus, I know Satan's just loving where I am and frankly, I don't like giving him the satisfaction.
All this is to say, I've continued to claim this as a journey. I knew there would be high and low points, easy and hard parts, but I can honestly say, I didn't expect it would be this hard- that was probably mistake #1. Mistake #2 was having too many expectations for other people and myself and not enough faith in God. I have such a long way to go. I feel like I went backwards, but I hope this is only so I can move that much more forward. I hope it's soon and I know it will be hard work, but I have to try.
Prayers are appreciated as well as patience and understanding. This isn't the person you want to hang out with, I'm sure. It's also not the person I want to be. I'll get there :)
♥ Janessa
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