So, my intentions were to post a lot sooner and maybe with more detail, but I don't think that's going to happen. I really should be going to bed since I'm going to work early tomorrow and leaving right after work for camping up north.
Anyway, my brother called me out on not updating in a while so I thought I would check in (thanks, Brian!) :)
I guess in some ways things are looking up, in others they are not. Such is life, eh? I had a bit of an exciting revelation recently, but it's not something I'm really sharing yet. You're not missing out on a ton, don't worry, it's personal revelation, but I tend to talk a lot and not follow through (something I do not like about myself and I'm working on) so, I'm not sharing this with everyone until I've worked it out a little more. Nothing like a little suspense, huh? haha :)
I'm taking a temporary break from Facebook. It sounds pretty lame to even say it because really, Facebook shouldn't be something big enough in my life (or anyone's life) to have to "take a break" but it is something I check daily. Facebook is such a great site that has allowed me to be in contact with my overseas and out of state family and friends. It's also kept me in contact with former co-workers, old high school friends and just my regular friends who don't live very close. It's is a great social networking site and I enjoy being a part of it. But it can cause problems. No, no one is talking bad about me (at least not where I can read it!) but things have been said that, as much as I try not to, I take offense to. I take things personally even when I try not to and I think seeing what everyone is doing, saying and thinking all the time is not always a good thing. I have been really hurt recently by things said on Facebook and I (along with my trusty therapist) have decided that I need to 1) hide a few people and 2) take a bit of a break. So, for at least a week I will not be on Facebook- maybe longer, we'll see.
It's a good thing I'm going camping this weekend and wouldn't have been able to check Facebook anyway, because it is really weird to not go on there and see what's up with friends and family. Sometimes I feel like I go to work, come home, do practical things (balance my check book, etc), do non-practical things (watch TV- the IT crowd is my new favorite show!!- etc) and then go to sleep and do it all over again. Much like TV and movies sometimes gives a false sense of being connected to people, so does Facebook. Some times it's nice, some times it's good not to be electronically connected and better to go and actually connect with real people. So, I'm going camping with my family for our annual family vacation and though I do not like to camp, I hope to have a great time and enjoy my time away from work and my computer!
We'll see. But prayers are always helpful!! :)
♥
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Friday, June 11, 2010
Where To Begin?
As you may have noticed, I haven't updated this blog in sometime. And the last post was about my trip to Russia, not about my journey. Well, I guess you can say this isn't a "real update" because I'm basically here to say that there is so much going on, I don't know where to start. I hope to have a real update with the details soon.
For now, here's the deal- I'm having a hard time. A really hard time. Here's how I explained it to my therapist:
Back in March I was on the ground looking up at a mountain that we'll call "Mount Happy." I wanted to get to the top of Mount Happy because at the top happiness comes naturally. Yeah, there's rocks and sharp edges. You may trip and fall, but since you are so close to the top, it's way easier to get back to the top, back to being happy, than it is when you're all the way on the ground. I made a decision some time in March that I was going to climb to the top of Mount Happy. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I felt confident that I had a good support system. Things started out well. I put my faith in God that He was there helping me and I had friends around for support. They helped me take each step, big or small, up the mountain.
However, as life tends to do, things came along that added weight to my pack and it was harder to take those steps. At the same time I felt that my support system was pulling back. Whether intentional or not (and I don't feel like I really pushed them away, but it's a possibility) they felt distant. God was right there, and lets face it, He's the only one I needed to get to the top of Mount Happy, but since I struggle with putting my faith in Him completely (trust issues will do that) I didn't count on Him to get me there (bad move).
I started having a really hard time getting up the mountain and so I started to call out. I didn't know if anyone could hear me, but I called anyway. Maybe I wasn't loud enough or maybe I wasn't paying attention, but I didn't feel like I had that support, to be honest. I called out to God, but those darn trust issues, I didn't really listen for His response. I didn't trust as I should have. And so instead of moving up the mountain, I stood in the same place for awhile. It became difficult to stand in the same place, let alone try to move up the mountain. But then I felt my foot slip a little, I felt myself fall a little. I was scared that I was falling down that mountain and I wasn't sure what to do. At the same time, I knew the ground. It wasn't great, but I had become somewhat comfortable there because I knew it well. So after some time trying to at the very least stay in the same place, I gradually let myself slide. I did dig my heels in a bit to slow things down, but in my head I knew that the ground was familiar and to some degree that was comforting.
I think I'm back on the ground right now. There's a valley behind me, things could get worse, but man the top of Mount Happy looks SO far away! I feel a pulling to walk down the path to the valley. I know I won't like it, but the path to the valley seems so easy compared to climbing a mountain (I know it's not, really, but it seems that way). Another part wants to stay put, just stay at ground level- don't go up, don't go down. Not the best idea either. I know that I need to start my way back up the mountain. And I know that even if the only one I truly feel is with me is God, that He is MORE THAN ENOUGH! (I know that, now I have to trust that!)
A new friend of mine made a point that we can't just wait for God to change things. We need to PURSUE HIM and seek out His will. I need to figure out what he wants for me, but I can't do that by standing still. I'm so glad I signed up for the Russia trip when I was in my "I'm going to be happy" phase of this journey. I think if I didn't have that and if I hadn't met those people who have reminded me of some important things, I would definitely be walking down that path to the valley.
Another good friend of mine said something as well... if you really want something truly good, you're going to have to go through something worse than you ever thought you'd go through in order to get there. It won't mean as much if you don't.
Plus, I know Satan's just loving where I am and frankly, I don't like giving him the satisfaction.
All this is to say, I've continued to claim this as a journey. I knew there would be high and low points, easy and hard parts, but I can honestly say, I didn't expect it would be this hard- that was probably mistake #1. Mistake #2 was having too many expectations for other people and myself and not enough faith in God. I have such a long way to go. I feel like I went backwards, but I hope this is only so I can move that much more forward. I hope it's soon and I know it will be hard work, but I have to try.
Prayers are appreciated as well as patience and understanding. This isn't the person you want to hang out with, I'm sure. It's also not the person I want to be. I'll get there :)
♥ Janessa
For now, here's the deal- I'm having a hard time. A really hard time. Here's how I explained it to my therapist:
Back in March I was on the ground looking up at a mountain that we'll call "Mount Happy." I wanted to get to the top of Mount Happy because at the top happiness comes naturally. Yeah, there's rocks and sharp edges. You may trip and fall, but since you are so close to the top, it's way easier to get back to the top, back to being happy, than it is when you're all the way on the ground. I made a decision some time in March that I was going to climb to the top of Mount Happy. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I felt confident that I had a good support system. Things started out well. I put my faith in God that He was there helping me and I had friends around for support. They helped me take each step, big or small, up the mountain.
However, as life tends to do, things came along that added weight to my pack and it was harder to take those steps. At the same time I felt that my support system was pulling back. Whether intentional or not (and I don't feel like I really pushed them away, but it's a possibility) they felt distant. God was right there, and lets face it, He's the only one I needed to get to the top of Mount Happy, but since I struggle with putting my faith in Him completely (trust issues will do that) I didn't count on Him to get me there (bad move).
I started having a really hard time getting up the mountain and so I started to call out. I didn't know if anyone could hear me, but I called anyway. Maybe I wasn't loud enough or maybe I wasn't paying attention, but I didn't feel like I had that support, to be honest. I called out to God, but those darn trust issues, I didn't really listen for His response. I didn't trust as I should have. And so instead of moving up the mountain, I stood in the same place for awhile. It became difficult to stand in the same place, let alone try to move up the mountain. But then I felt my foot slip a little, I felt myself fall a little. I was scared that I was falling down that mountain and I wasn't sure what to do. At the same time, I knew the ground. It wasn't great, but I had become somewhat comfortable there because I knew it well. So after some time trying to at the very least stay in the same place, I gradually let myself slide. I did dig my heels in a bit to slow things down, but in my head I knew that the ground was familiar and to some degree that was comforting.
I think I'm back on the ground right now. There's a valley behind me, things could get worse, but man the top of Mount Happy looks SO far away! I feel a pulling to walk down the path to the valley. I know I won't like it, but the path to the valley seems so easy compared to climbing a mountain (I know it's not, really, but it seems that way). Another part wants to stay put, just stay at ground level- don't go up, don't go down. Not the best idea either. I know that I need to start my way back up the mountain. And I know that even if the only one I truly feel is with me is God, that He is MORE THAN ENOUGH! (I know that, now I have to trust that!)
A new friend of mine made a point that we can't just wait for God to change things. We need to PURSUE HIM and seek out His will. I need to figure out what he wants for me, but I can't do that by standing still. I'm so glad I signed up for the Russia trip when I was in my "I'm going to be happy" phase of this journey. I think if I didn't have that and if I hadn't met those people who have reminded me of some important things, I would definitely be walking down that path to the valley.
Another good friend of mine said something as well... if you really want something truly good, you're going to have to go through something worse than you ever thought you'd go through in order to get there. It won't mean as much if you don't.
Plus, I know Satan's just loving where I am and frankly, I don't like giving him the satisfaction.
All this is to say, I've continued to claim this as a journey. I knew there would be high and low points, easy and hard parts, but I can honestly say, I didn't expect it would be this hard- that was probably mistake #1. Mistake #2 was having too many expectations for other people and myself and not enough faith in God. I have such a long way to go. I feel like I went backwards, but I hope this is only so I can move that much more forward. I hope it's soon and I know it will be hard work, but I have to try.
Prayers are appreciated as well as patience and understanding. This isn't the person you want to hang out with, I'm sure. It's also not the person I want to be. I'll get there :)
♥ Janessa
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Shameless Plug? Yep!
Evergreen Photography Studios is partnering with me to support my trip to Russia! Here is the flyer:
Come get your photos taken- family, children, couples, singles, any occasion or just for fun! Evergreen Photography Studios is FANTASTIC! Plus, all proceeds from these sessions will go towards funding my trip to Russia! Call to schedule a session on one of these Saturdays. If you can't make it on one of the Saturdays, call Michelle to schedule a separate session- just remember to mention me & my trip!
♥ Janessa
Come get your photos taken- family, children, couples, singles, any occasion or just for fun! Evergreen Photography Studios is FANTASTIC! Plus, all proceeds from these sessions will go towards funding my trip to Russia! Call to schedule a session on one of these Saturdays. If you can't make it on one of the Saturdays, call Michelle to schedule a separate session- just remember to mention me & my trip!
♥ Janessa
Sunday, April 18, 2010
A Bump In The Road
So... I've had "a week." Of course, that is true in a literal sense, but I mean I have had one of those weeks when things just felt off. They still do.
As I have mentioned before, I am very much on a journey with this Optimism thing. It is not yet ingrained in my being. I have been doing well so far, I feel, though not without some bumps in the road. And I expect bumps in the road... lots. Not in a pessimistic way, but in a realistic way. There will be bumps, but I can still be positive.
I'm not usually one to talk about "attacks from the devil" or things like that. I don't know, it sounds cliche and most of the time I don't even really feel that way. This week has definitely been the exception.
From an outside view I have had a good week. Work was good, learned a lot, got to know people I work with a little more, etc. Outside of work was good as well. Though I didn't have much people interaction outside of work, nothing bad happened.
However, I have been feeling very tired lately. No matter how much or little sleep I get, I am exhausted. It could be something medically wrong, but there was (and still is) a part of me that worried it was depression creeping back in. When I am depressed, I'm extra tired. Since things were going well, I tried to stay positive, though tired. Then this weekend, I started having really negative thoughts.
One thing I have discovered in my years of battling depression is that I tend to search out things in the world that will "confirm" (at least in my mind) the negative things I am (irrationally) saying to myself. I was definitely in one of those spaces this week. For no real reason I was saying a lot of negative things to myself and I felt unable to control these thoughts-though trust me, I tried. It was in these moments that I literally felt attacked by Satan, that he was going after any and all vulnerable parts of my being and taking advantage of them.
I guess the lack of people interaction (outside of work) didn't help. Though, that was mostly my fault. I've been so tired I haven't made an effort. But nonetheless, I have felt attacked by Satan, beaten up and naturally left in a very negative place.
That is not the place I want to be. I'm not quite out of the woods yet, though I am trying my best to keep in positive spirits, knowing that I have so much to be thankful for and I am so blessed by God.
I guess the long story short is... please pray for me.
Also, there are a few people in my life who I know are dealing with actual traumatic events in their lives right now, so prayers for them are appreciated as well.
Thanks :)
♥
As I have mentioned before, I am very much on a journey with this Optimism thing. It is not yet ingrained in my being. I have been doing well so far, I feel, though not without some bumps in the road. And I expect bumps in the road... lots. Not in a pessimistic way, but in a realistic way. There will be bumps, but I can still be positive.
I'm not usually one to talk about "attacks from the devil" or things like that. I don't know, it sounds cliche and most of the time I don't even really feel that way. This week has definitely been the exception.
From an outside view I have had a good week. Work was good, learned a lot, got to know people I work with a little more, etc. Outside of work was good as well. Though I didn't have much people interaction outside of work, nothing bad happened.
However, I have been feeling very tired lately. No matter how much or little sleep I get, I am exhausted. It could be something medically wrong, but there was (and still is) a part of me that worried it was depression creeping back in. When I am depressed, I'm extra tired. Since things were going well, I tried to stay positive, though tired. Then this weekend, I started having really negative thoughts.
One thing I have discovered in my years of battling depression is that I tend to search out things in the world that will "confirm" (at least in my mind) the negative things I am (irrationally) saying to myself. I was definitely in one of those spaces this week. For no real reason I was saying a lot of negative things to myself and I felt unable to control these thoughts-though trust me, I tried. It was in these moments that I literally felt attacked by Satan, that he was going after any and all vulnerable parts of my being and taking advantage of them.
I guess the lack of people interaction (outside of work) didn't help. Though, that was mostly my fault. I've been so tired I haven't made an effort. But nonetheless, I have felt attacked by Satan, beaten up and naturally left in a very negative place.
That is not the place I want to be. I'm not quite out of the woods yet, though I am trying my best to keep in positive spirits, knowing that I have so much to be thankful for and I am so blessed by God.
I guess the long story short is... please pray for me.
Also, there are a few people in my life who I know are dealing with actual traumatic events in their lives right now, so prayers for them are appreciated as well.
Thanks :)
♥
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Waiting....
I know you've all been waiting on pins & needles for a new post from me (hehehe), but I have been crazy busy!
Work is good, life is good, and fund-raising for Russia is underway! I may not have great posts on here for a little while because I'm focusing on getting ready for Russia.
However, please visit my Russia blog to get the latest!
http://mission-love.blogspot.com
Grace & Peace,
♥
Work is good, life is good, and fund-raising for Russia is underway! I may not have great posts on here for a little while because I'm focusing on getting ready for Russia.
However, please visit my Russia blog to get the latest!
http://mission-love.blogspot.com
Grace & Peace,
♥
Friday, April 2, 2010
Russia? Say What?
Ok folks, I promise I will have a real update soon! But in the mean time, please visit my NEW blog for more details about my Mission Trip to RUSSIA!
http://mission-love.blogspot.com
My itinerary and a few more details are posted now. Read it!! :)
Grace & Peace
♥
http://mission-love.blogspot.com
My itinerary and a few more details are posted now. Read it!! :)
Grace & Peace
♥
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
I'M GOING TO RUSSIA!!!!
That's right folks, I'm going to Russia! This August for 10 days with WAY FM, Mission Network News and Orphan Outreach. St. Petersburg and Leningrad to work in orphanages. Need to raise $3,500.00 by July 1st! Ahh! So Excited! :)
More details coming soon...
More details coming soon...
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